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Saturday, April 25, 2009

I'm a Total Ladies Man

... or not.

I will be studied in later years. Kids in 9th grade health will read about my mistakes and think to themselves, "What a dumbass!"

We all know that when a girl asks a guy if she looks good the response from the guy needs to be an automatic "Yes." There can be no delay, unless the guy wants to argue for another 10 minutes about it. This respose, of course, is the amateur response. A better answer would be "Baby, I don't think I can take my eyes off you, you look so good" The guy has to be careful with this though, because if she takes you literally (which she undoubtfully will), he can't look back at the TV until she's not paying attention.

This is all obvious stuff here. Every guy knows this.

Apparently the women-folk have grown bored with our resounding yesses and predictable responses, and now they are asking us in much more sneaky and sly ways if we think the look good. I am now going to teach you how to get in the "friend zone," which we all know has no potential to progress any further than that. Beware, this could be painful to read.

I'm a very blunt person. If I see someone being a total hypocrite or lying out of their asshole, I'm going to call them on it. A lot of my sentences start with "You're so full of shit!" I don't think about feelings, I just tell the truth. I'm also extremely scientific and analytical, to put it in layman's terms, I'm a nerd. These qualities are even more prevalent when my defenses are down, such as when I'm drunk, or just waking up.

It happened to be on a Wednesday afternoon when I missed my opportunity. Wednesday afternoons are almost always dedicated to a nap. It is the only day I consistently do not have to work. A buzzing from my cell phone awakes me from my nap. Annoyed, I take a look at this message from my very single, very attractive, fairly new friend. Fairly new as in I met her about a month ago and had been flirting with her at my other job frequently.

"I run 5 miles every day."

Instead of saying something like "Wow, impressive," I, in my nap induced fog, reply:


"Well I run every day, but I want to look better in my bikini, so I'm trying to lose 5 pounds, but I haven't lost anything for a while. How can I do that?"

Many of you have predicted my mistake already. I didn't say "Seriously? You look great, you don't need to lose 5 pounds." I actually answered her damn question.

"Well you can start doing some weight training too, or you could run further, or just cut some calories every day."

Not surprisingly, I didn't get a response to that remark. An hour later I realized my mistake. She was fishing for compliments. She was testing the waters to see if I was in to her. What she got was a loud and clear "No," which couldn't be further from the truth. I texted her something along the lines of "I can't believe you want to lose 5 pounds," once I had my facepalm moment, but once again, no response.

We still talk, of course, but the relationship has already reached the "friend zone." I am now the guy she can ask for advice, not the one to give her compliments. Don't make the same mistake I did. Think about what her question is really asking, especially if you've got the luxury to do it over texts.

Did I mention that she had previously invited me to go swimming in her pool when it opened for the summer? Something tells me she's going to forget to mention it to me when that happens.


  1. Fellow Pharm StudentApril 27, 2009 at 9:13 AM

    Lehman's Terms? It's "layman's terms". It comes from the word laity, as in a person that is not clergy. I say this not to be a dick, although I do have a tendency to arrogantly point out grammatical errors, but so you can learn from your mistakes. I do enjoy reading your blog, though. Keep up the good work.