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Wednesday, July 29, 2009

The Little Notebook

I was searching through some drawers looking for something or another the other day at the pharmacy when I happened upon a small notebook stashed away in the corner. I pulled the notebook out and found out it was full of quotes from patients at the pharmacy. I've picked the very best ones to share with you. So, without further ado, here they are.

"You've pissed me off now."

"I need my hydrochlorine refilled."

"Are you the druggist? You don't sound like him. (Spoken to a female pharmacist.)"

"I have ammonia." (Perhaps pneumonia?)

"I was really sad when I had to give up square dancing. I don't know which I miss the most - the square dancing or the sex."

"I think my prescription has perspired."

"I suppose this bladder infection has something to do with the terrorism."

"You mean I have to pay for the medicine?"

"What's the best pain reliever for my poop?"

Patient #1: "What's the best thing to give me the runs?"
Patient #2: "Chinese Food."

"I'll just go somewhere else, then, YOU BITCHES!"

"So, how old is your Peter?" (This is why you don't name your son Peter. Or Dick for that matter.)

"I've never had blood pressure before!"

"The doctor didn't know her ass from her butt."

And my personal favorite, spoken by a noticeably pregnant lady:

"My throat is dry. I suppose I'm coughing because the baby is breathing all the air."

Monday, July 27, 2009

Gelnique (TM), The Anti-Pissing Gel.

Hey look! Oxybutynin comes in a topical now! Man, it was sure difficult to take that pill with a little water wasn't it? Not to mention counter-intuitive. Never fear though, we've created a topical! Just rub some on your tummy or shoulder and it makes you not have to wizz for a while. I know you want to put it on your penis, but please, that's not necessary. Although the sensation of the quick-drying gel that contains a good dose of alcohol would probably feel good, we advise against it. Oh, and once you use it, you're ready to go all Charlie's Angels on your bladder's ass. Or something like that. I mean seriously, check out that chick, she's ready to kick some ass.

The best part about this product is the overdose information.

Oral ingestion of 100 mg oxybutynin chloride in association with alcohol
has been reported in a 13-year-old boy who experienced memory loss, and in a
34-year-old woman who developed stupor, followed by disorientation and
agitation on awakening, dilated pupils, dry skin, cardiac arrhythmia, and
retention of urine.

Holy fuck! 13 years old and popping 10 pills (I'm assuming he took the 10mg pills, or maybe 20 of the 5mg ones) that say "oxy" on the bottle and then drinking alcohol. Suicide attempt, anyone? Fuck, I know I hated Jr. High, it wouldn't surprise me. I love how he "experienced memory loss." Sounds like my Saturday nights...

My all-time favorite line in all the literature is the fact that overdosing on oxybutynin caused "retention of urine." Uh, well... Duh.

Which brings me to this joke.

A man walks into a pharmacy, points a gun at the pharmacist and demands all the Oxy's. The robber sees the oxybutynin and demands those too. He's caught 3 days later when he walks into the emergency room and yells out "I CAN'T PISS OR SHIT!"

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Sometimes I Wonder

An old lady came into the pharmacy today, right around closing time (duh). She's got a list of about 20 medications, and explains to me that she lost some at the lake. She walks with a limp, and cannot stand for long, as she's resting her weight on the counter. She explains to me that she's going to try to get the medications she lost filled. I explained to her that if she's lost her medication, she'll most likely have to pay cash, unless she only had a couple days left.

So I ask her her name, she tells it to me. I can't find her in the computer system, so I ask her if she's filled here before. "No," is the answer I get. I ask her what pharmacy she normally goes to, and she tells me it's one down the road. Then she goes on and explains she tried to talk to her doctor blah blah blah, but the best part was this quote right here.

"Well I tried to get them filled at that pharmacy but they told me the refill was too soon."

I just stared at her, speechless.

I finally sputtered, "Well, it doesn't matter what pharmacy you filled them at, your insurance company is going to tell all of us that the refills are too soon, so you'll have to pay cash." I almost felt bad, because the only controlled substance on her list was Tramadol, so she obviously wasn't a seeker. Then I saw it, she had Seroquel on the list. A 90 day supply. Then I felt bad. That is one expensive mistake. Whoops.

She then asked me if she could get them cheaper here or at the other pharmacy. I told her there was no way I could know that, seeing that I don't know their prices. I then told her she would probably get the best deal at Wal*Mart. I then threw up a little in my mouth, said I was sorry, and she left. This was 10 minutes after we were supposed to close. The pharmacist was nowhere to be found. She let me handle this. So much for "Let me get a pharmacist for you," huh?

Now here is a lesson in responsibility. Take care of your medications. They are expensive. Don't drop them to the bottom of the lake.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Poison Ivy/Moondance

I still have that poison ivy or poison oak or something, and it's spreading. It's dangerously close to my "sensitive" areas, so I went to the doctor (well, nurse practitioner, but whatever) to get it checked out. This weekend was a heavy weekend of camping and jamming up in Walker, MN for my annual vacation to Moondance Jam where I have family nearby. So when the nurse asked me if I had consumed any alcohol in the past 30 days, this is how the conversation went. Bold is what I actually said. Italics are what I'm thinking.

Have you consumed any alcohol in the past 30 days?
Yes Only a little... 2 cases in 3 days is a little, right?

And when you drank, how many drinks did you have?
Oh, somewhere between 14-18, I don't know exactly.
5. Oh shit, 5 is still considered binge drinking.

Ok, do you ever feel the need to drink first thing in the morning?
No Only during Moondance...

Has anyone told you about something you've said or done while drinking that you don't remember?
No Hell yes! Like that time I punched a Canadian in the ribs... Whoops.

Have you ever done something while drinking that you wouldn't normally do?
No Um, duh! Like dancing? I'm totally awesome at dancing when I drink. At least, I think so...

Has your performance in school or work ever been affected by your alcohol consumption?
No Whew, that one's actually true.

Have you ever woken up regretting your alcohol use?
No Oh hell no! Well, maybe that one time I drank Keystone Ice. Biggest headache EVER!

Have you ever felt depressed or "down?" (she actually made the air quote move)
No Only when I have to deal with customers.

So I'm not an alcoholic. Hah! By the way, Moondance is awesome, I totally recommend it. We get drunk before the early concerts, sober up during those, and let the big names rock our socks off. Then we get drunk again next to the fire, and then pass out in the tent. We do it all over again the next day. Awesome.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Bad Hair Day

We got another new tech intern today. She seems nice. After saying that I almost feel bad about making fun of her. But dear lord, do you really think it's even remotely normal to wear your hair that way? I mean... Picture this combined with this, without the MC Hammer lines. Instead of that those, she has long hair there too. That's right, she has shaved the top of her head, but left the sides, back and front of her hair normal. Did I mention her hair is mostly gray? Yeah. I was almost speechless when I first saw her, but I managed to choke out a "Hi, I'm PDS."

I thought that was it. I was wrong. An hour after I arrived a very feminine-looking man came in with his head shaved and bangs longer than hers. He also had a chin-strap beard and mustache. I decided the reason he still looked quite womanly was due to the extremely thin plucked eyebrows. I just stared at him.

Then I saw his son. Mohawk-mullet. I shit you not. The kid had a mullet and a mohawk. I stared once more.

I don't know what it is about summer that make people make such bad decisions, but I hope I'm never that "creative."

I got poison ivy on my arm recently. I've never had poison ivy, so I scratched the shit out of it right away, and now it covers a relatively large portion of my arm. Instead of using calamine lotion or hydrocortisone, I just grabbed a "Poison" sticker from our collection of stickers and prescription taped it all up. This didn't help with the itchiness, but it made for some fun conversations at the register.

I'm starting to work a lot more 8 hour shifts as people take their vacations, and I noticed that we never sell any condoms, but we sure run out of them. So, I decided to have a little experiment. I put "For Anal Use ONLY" stickers on 1/3 of the condoms, "For Vaginal Use ONLY" on 1/3 of them, and "For External Use ONLY" on the remainder. We'll see if we've got more anal, vaginal, or masturbating patients who steal in a few days.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Some Happenings Of The Past Week

I'm a big fan of summer. Especially when hot chicks with perky breasts don't feel the need to wear a bra, because it's so hot. When they walk into the pharmacy, which is kept at a nipple-popping 69 degrees, I enjoy summer even that much more. Now if she just wasn't picking up Acyclovir...


Patient calls the pharmacy.

"PDS pharmacy, this is PDS."

"Hi, my doctor was supposed to email a prescription to you, did you get it?"

"Well, first off, what's your last name?" I hold back a snigger at the "email" comment.

"Well it was for Vicodin, did you get it?"

"Well, we get a lot of scripts for Vicodin, what's your name?"

"The doctor was Dr. Johnson from the pain clinic."

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! JUST TELL ME YOUR FUCKING NAME!!!!! I didn't scream. "Ma'am, Dr. Johnson sends us a lot of prescriptions for Vicodin, because he works in the pain clinic, now what is your name again?"


Two siblings, same exact insurance, same exact prescription. Different copays. What the fuck? The copays were off by 14 cents. What's the deal here Humana?

Saturday, July 4, 2009

P.O.S. System

Yeah, most of you thought what I thought when that acronym was first announced. 

"Piece of Shit System? Why would we want that?"

I really don't know how many states had to change up their registers this year to accept Flex cards, but I know mine did, well, at least my store did, we used to have a ghetto-ass register - not anymore. It really stands for "Point of Sale System," but come on, who's names something P.O.S.? That's just old people being retarded. They're totally asking for it.

So, after making fun of the P.O.S. System and adding "For Anal Use ONLY" stickers to the condoms, I tried out the new register, just to be "mature" and all... I found out that the new system is pretty slick. After about an hour or so of getting the hang of it, the new register is faster than the old one. Of course, there are always bugs to be rid of in a new system, but for the most part, my day is headache free when I run the register. Well, besides the customers themselves, but with the new system, I get them out of my hair faster! Yahoo! 

Thursday, July 2, 2009

How To Get Into Pharmacy School: Sophomore Year

Ok, so now that you've made it through Freshman year and the PCAT, now it's time to start your Sophomore year of pre-pharm. Here are some tips to getting through that year in one piece.

1. If you haven't already, get an apartment.
Don't do what I did and live in the dorms again. You have friends, you don't need to make new ones that'll just mooch off "your" lab reports and old tests. Get an apartment, pay the bills, and live a life independent of parents, hall directors, and RAs. Yeah, it kinda sucks having to make your own food, but that's what grilled cheese, pasta, and frozen pizzas are for.

2. Stop drinking every night.
Now that you're in classes that will actually teach you something worthwhile, you can't be hungover during them. Pay attention in Human A&P, well, not necessarily to the Anatomy part, but definitely the Physiology part, your brain will thank you for years to come. Drinking is now a weekend activity. Make up for the lost drinking during the week by consuming gargantuan amounts during the weekend. Some of my best stories are from wandering through my city, trying to find campus or a friend's apartment.

3. Sleep Through O. Chem I.
Actually, I don't recommend this, but honestly, this class sucks balls. I went to every class and slept through almost every class. It was so hard to stay awake just to hear my Asian professor ramble on about alkenes and alkynes and alkanes, all of them sounding the same coming from her mouth. The class isn't as hard as they make it sound, but it isn't easy. To top it all off, 90% of the information you learn will never be used again. You will know that dex and lev mean that the certain isomers rotate light positively and negatively, respectfully, but you won't give a shit. Well, that is until you learn that certain drugs contain both isomers, and the new, improved (read: original drug's patent is running out, quick, make a new one) drug has only one isomer, because the other isomer causes "side effects." Plus, who gives a fuck what DIBAL does to a double bond? (Hint: it makes an epoxide, another useless piece of information in my brain) I got a B in O. Chem I and called it good.

4. Get a job in a pharmacy.
Actually, I recommend getting one your first year if you can, but I waited until my second year. You will be able to counsel patients as soon as you apply for your student license, and it's nice to actually know something about drugs when you do that, so learn up on those easy drugs (antibiotics, pain meds) before you're allowed to counsel.

5. Take as many pharmacy school classes you can.
I finished all my microbiology and English requirements to graduate from pharmacy school before I was even in pharmacy school. It's comforting to know that you only have to take 16 credits a semester instead of the 20 the rest of your friends are taking. Then you can make fun of them when they're doing work you did 2 years before.

6. Find a hot pharmacy chick and date her.
And for fuck's sake, hold on to her. Ever notice that every good-looking P4 has a huge rock on their finger? Yeah, it's because hot, smart, successful women are damn hard to come by, and most guys are at least smart enough to realize that. I didn't have any luck with this, I still don't have a girlfriend, and guess what? Almost every single girl in my class is taken, and some are even engaged. Get them before they're in pharmacy school.

7. Apply to pharmacy school.
Yeah, I know this seems like a no-brainer, but out of the 80 or so kids that lived on the pharmacy floors I believe 10 applied and 8 got in. Hmm... so that one comment from Anonymous was pretty on track when "she" (I'm looking at you, Pharmgirl ;) ) told me I was giving out inappropriate advice, and that my advice would only work for 10% of the population. I guess I owe "her" an apology. Haha, sorry, but I'm just assuming Pharmgirl posted that; what is interesting though, if you'll look at my advice on the PCAT, and her advice on the NAPLEX, you'll realize they are quite similar. In fact, I'll link you to her advice here. Now look at the dates of my post compared to hers... Hmm... Haha I'm just fucking with you Pharmgirl, I like you.

8. No, seriously, apply to pharmacy school.
Because out of the 500 kids who started out in pharmacy your freshman year, only 100 of those kids have made it this far, and about 10 of them won't apply because they think their scores aren't good enough. SoOoOoO, you've got a pretty good chance of getting in, even with unremarkable scores. I just learned today that two of my friends got in with PCATs in the 50s.... I mean, wow. So for fuck's sake, APPLY!!!!

9. During the interview, avoid common subjects.
Don't talk about the donut hole, that is the most generic conversation ever. They won't remember you. Instead, talk about how evil drug companies are. I can honestly say that the Drugmonkey helped me get into pharmacy school. I didn't talk about the Part D plan or the North Dakota ownership law (which I know was a popular subject during the interviews this year). Talk about the isomer thing I mentioned before, or the fact that PBMs have a different MAC list for different pharmacies, or that drug companies will add two drugs together and call it a new drug, and charge insanely high prices for it. I'm looking at you, Treximet.

10. Once you get your acceptance letter, coast through the year.
Give your brain a rest. Hopefully you've accumulated enough points where you don't need to get an A on every test to maintain an A in the class. Just get your work done, learn a thing or two, and just be happy you got in. You may regret getting in when you look at your schedule for the next 3 years, but don't let that bother you now. Stop stressing, be happy, have fun, and live life.