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Friday, October 2, 2009

Finding Jesus

I was talking to a friend of mine who has found Jesus. He told me he's never been happier since he's found Him, and that life is beautiful. At first I sort of just ignored my friend; I don't push my beliefs on him, he shouldn't push his beliefs on me. After a while though, I started to think about it. My friend has been happier lately, and much more fun to be around. The best part is that he doesn't have any Bible versus memorized so I don't have to listen to those all the time. But after hanging around him lately I've decided to see if I could find Jesus.

At first, I looked in the obvious places. I went to all the churches, but didn't feel His presence or encounter Him. I then went to the local prison, because I've heard a lot of criminals find Jesus in prison. Apparently, you need to actually be incarcerated to find Jesus in prison, because I didn't sense Him there either, although a couple of the inmates asked me if I wanted to "sense" them, and yes, they air-quoted when they said it.

After a long day of trying to find Jesus I had given up. Perhaps some other day I would see the light, and it would guide me toward Him. It was a little chilly, and I had worn a jacket, and as I opened the closet door to put my jacket away I heard, "Fuck! I'm so bad at this game!"

Startled, I jumped back. "Who are you?! What game?!" I shouted.

"I am the Alpha and the Omega. Hide and go Seek is the game," said the man walking out of my coat closet. There seemed to be a spotlight behind him.

"Wait, whoa, Jesus?! I've been looking for you today! You were here the whole time? Wait, did you just say 'Fuck?'"

"Ah yes, I did say 'Fuck,' didn't I? But what sin is committed in swearing?"

Jesus had a point. I couldn't think of a single reason why swearing would be a sin.

"Would you like some wine?" He asked, as he tapped the kitchen faucet. I watched, breathless, as red wine flowed out in to the sink.

"Uh, sure," I choked out, "Hide and Seek? You play Hide and Seek?"

"Duh, dude," he replied, "Why do you think people are always trying to 'find' me? I thought it was pretty obvious."

I was beginning to feel pretty stupid, and as I took a sip of wine it just got worse. "This tastes like iron!" I exclaimed as I spit the wine all over my hands.

"Well come on dude, this is my blood; I need oxygen too, you know."

His logic was overwhelming, I could see why people pray to Him. "I'm sorry, but who exactly do you play Hide and Seek with? I mean, if it's just me and you wouldn't you win all the time? Because you're always the last one to be found?"

"Ah, another common misconception," he said. I began to wonder how many times He's had this conversation. I began to feel ashamed of all the times I've gotten annoyed with someone who called to see what time we closed. "I play with the Easter Bunny and Santa Clause, but those fuckers cheat because they only come out once a year, where I have to be out all year round. It's bullshit."

"Wait, the Easter Bunny is real? And Santa?" My disbelief was palpable.

"Oh for My sake, of course they are. Me," Jesus said, obviously annoyed.

"Did you just use your name in vain?"

"Technically, no, asshole," Jesus spat back.

"Whoa sorry dude," I replied as I went to the sink to wash the wine off my hands. "Hey! This is still wine! Can you change it back to water?" I asked.

"I just performed a miracle, and you want me to undo it? Fuck you dude. I'm out."

And then He was gone.

1 comment:

  1. In case you need to talk to him again, I'm pretty sure he could be found at my house most of the time. He's usually there around the time my wife gets home from work.

    I'm pretty sure about it because every time my wife walks in the door the first thing out of her mouth is "Jesus Christ!".. then silence. I can't figure it out though, for some reason "I" never him.