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Monday, September 28, 2009

Paranoia

I was walking down the hallway today and saw a sign on a water fountain that said DONOT USE! Now, at first I thought that perhaps someone just forgot to put a space in between "DO" and "NOT." However, as the day passed I started to realize that perhaps they just misspelled "doughnut." It happens, spelling is hard, and often confusing.

I then wondered why doughnuts got their own water fountain. Yes, they are delicious, especially because they're pretty much a piece of cake shaped like a bagel with sugar coating the entire thing. That's pretty awesome, but why should that give them the sole right to a water fountain? The powers that be must be prejudiced against non-doughnut breakfast foods. They can't even argue "separate but equal," because the doughnut water fountain is closer to the bathroom and taller than the other. Can you imagine the strain bending over to drink from the smaller fountain will put on the average breakfast food's back? Do you think eggs can handle that when they can't even decide if they're healthy for you?

Cereal is completely screwed. Every time it wants a drink of water milk will spill out due to the increased angle it must dip to to receive the water, and we all know that milk is the life-blood of cereal. A couple drinks from water fountain and cereal will need a milk transfusion. Emergency rooms will need to stock more 1% milk, which is the universal donor of milk. The skyrocketing demand for 1% milk will cause hospitals to stockpile it, forcing them to use more energy to keep it refrigerated. Thus, more carbon will be spewed into the environment, causing more global warming.

Separate water fountains for breakfast foods is causing global warming. I brought this up to the Dean, and he gave me a blank look and told me to leave. I'm beginning to think that perhaps this is a conspiracy the doughnuts are using to destroy the world. Doughnuts are notoriously bad spellers, so it makes perfect sense.

Or maybe someone just forgot to hit the spacebar.

2 comments:

  1. I sense I may be a bad influence on you.

    Sweet.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I disagree. Fat free Lactaid® is the universal milk donor.

    ReplyDelete