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Monday, June 22, 2009

How To Get Into Pharmacy School: Freshman Year

I was listening to my younger friends bitch about how ridiculous the PCAT was on Saturday and thought about how I got into pharmacy school, and further thought I should share my experiences with the world, or at least the 4 people that read this blog. So here's a list of suggestions on getting into pharmacy school.

1. Live in the dorms.
For fuck's sake, live in the dorms. If the college has a pharmacy floor, live there. Yeah, there will be a couple "nerds" that will think that the pharmacy floor is a place to be quiet and study all day. This is wrong. Our pharmacy floor was notorious on campus. We had more write-ups than any other floor on campus. Coincidentally, none of those write-ups came from our RA, they were always from RAs from a different floor, because pharmacy kids stick together.

2. Get out of your room.
Your room is for sleeping and masturbating. Get out there and meet people, they will come in handy for some of the later steps. If you don't, the people that do go out to the lounge will make fun of you and laugh when they do better than you on the tests.

3. Stop studying.
The test isn't for 2 weeks, why the hell are you even opening the book? In fact, why did you even buy that chemistry book? You wasted $180. Go out in the lounge and talk to people. Shoot the shit, this is your freshman year, the friendships you make now will last for at least the next 5 years. Studying is for the night before the test. Yeah, the test covers 7 chapters, but who cares? All information from freshman year is irrelevant, you will not need to know Boyle's law after this test. Learn it for 8 hours, then toss that information, your brain is put to better use memorizing the house rules for beer pong at different houses around campus.

4. Cheat.
There's a reason they let you use graphing calculators, use them in any way possible. This way, learning Boyle's law for even 8 hours is optional. In the real world, looking up stuff is not only accepted, it's expected. Writing lab reports is for the people who took that lab last semester, not you. Remember those people you met in the dorms? One of them has all their lab reports from the lab you're in now on their computer. Delete their name and date and slap yours on there. Saves 4 hours. Now go shoot some shit.

5. Drink. A lot.
Use your network of friends to find a buyer, and find out what's the cheapest beer and vodka and stock up. Anything that comes in a 30 pack and a plastic 1.75 liter bottle will suffice. Learn to love the burning of cheap vodka as it flows down your underage throat, you'll appreciate the good stuff more later in life. Avoid Everclear, you may feel like a total badass drinking it, but you'll forget that it's over twice as strong as that vodka you love so much and start thinking that taking shots is a good idea. It is not. I cannot even count how many times Everclear has blacked me out waaaaaaaaaay before I wanted to.

6. Get caught drinking. By the cops. On campus.
You'll never have a better story than the one where you ran from the cops in a drunken panic, only to realize you're right next to your dorm and you're essentially fucked. When this happens, throw your hands in the air, drop your backpack, and calmly apologize to the officer for running. Then after you've blown your .24 and been issued your ticket, go up to your room and crack another beer that you've stocked up on. The fact that you can function at that BAC is worth the celebration, it's a damn good thing you've followed step #5.

7. Tell the judge you puked. A lot.
Who gives a fuck if you didn't? He doesn't know that. He will empathize with you, and reduce your sentence, then laugh when your friend gets a minor the next week after blowing a .03 and gets the full sentence.

8. Stop going to class.
It's early, it's cold, it's a half-mile away. Get some sleep. Seriously, who gives a fuck about Punnett Squares? Not you, not anyone. Those notes are posted on the internet anyway.

9. Get an apartment.
This is something I didn't do until halfway through my sophomore year, and I regret not doing it sooner. Living at home during the summer sucks, and cuts into what should be drinking time. You have friends in your college town, stay with them.

10. Laugh when you make the Dean's List.
Laugh your ass off at the kids who stayed in their rooms and didn't make the Dean's List. They won't ask you how you made the Dean's List, but tell them anyway. Explain to them that they need to relax and blow off steam more often. They will deny that that is their problem. Do not let them weasel out of it, make sure they know that the human brain is not capable of learning all the time. Being drunk at the time is optional.

So this pretty much sums up my freshman year. Ah, the memories.


Ok people, this is obviously not the best way to get into pharm school. I'm just telling you all how my freshman year was. I obviously went to most classes, with the exception of chemistry and biology. The thing is, if you think your freshman year of college is really difficult, and you feel the need to study all the time, then you will not make it. You will not be able to survive pharmacy school. Yeah, calculus sucks balls, but that should be the only class you have much difficulty with. This is your freshman year, the rules change for sophomore year, which I will get to soon.

1 comment:

  1. You totally missed going to Chem or Bio shitfaced. That's loads of fun too.